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Tears and Healing; The journey to the light after an abusive relationship
by Richard, 21CP 
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Edition: Paperback, 180 pages
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Publisher: Dalkeith Press (2005)
ISBN: 1-933369-01-9
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    What the experts say / readers say about it.   More on detaching, healing, overcoming love, obligation 

Tears and Healing


On Changing Values

I've been asked how I managed to let go of the powerful sense of obligation that I held toward my "intact family" and my "marriage". I put these in quotes because they were fantasies - things that didn't really exist except in form. But nevertheless, viewed from outside the family, they certainly appeared to be there. And I know many nons struggle with strong values and obligations. So how did I make such a big change in my values?

To start, you need a model. How about a P50 Mustang, or a 1955 Ford, 125 parts, glue and decals included? No, no, wrong kind of models. Sorry. Flashed back to my 1962 living room there for a minute. 

My model is this: spirit; memory; cognition. The spirit is the true you, the essence of your life energy and the definition of what is true and good. It is also the guardian of your well being. Memory is the sum of your many experiences, and for most of us is loaded with all kinds of garbage that has nothing to do with our spirit, truth, or goodness. But, because it has been said, or done or thought to us or by us, it is part of the base of knowledge and data by which we interpret our world and ourselves. Cognition is the thoughtful processing of sensory input against memory to produce conclusions or decisions. OK?

Now, among the garbage in my memory were some things I took as absolute givens:

  1.  Never, ever, ever get divorced; 
  2.  Above all else, children need an intact nuclear family; 
  3.  Don't ever look outside of your spouse for emotional support; 
  4.  Don't even think about having an affair; 
  5.  Act like people expect you to act; 
  6.  Above all, children must have a nuclear family;

OK, there was other stuff, but this was probably the key stuff. 

So, there I was, cognitively processing the input from my world in the context of this memory bank. I was in an emotionally bankrupt relationship, and I knew it. I knew I needed and wanted more. This knowledge came from my spirit. But I was continuing to direct my thoughts in harmony with my memory, the collection of rules and regulations, not to mention judgments, that dictated that I needed to stay in that relationship. Well, one thing I can tell you for sure is when your memory is in conflict with your spirit, you are going to hurt. Mostly this will manifest itself as depression. You can read more about this in Depression and the unconscious.

Now, notwithstanding that I was starting to feel lousy about life, starting to find myself crying or nearly so, these were very powerful strictures I had going. Now, how does one get past this? 

I had some help from my spirit. Remember I said it guards your well being? It's not always good at this, but it tries. Well, my spirit was not too happy with me. Why? I was forcing myself to stay in an exclusive, abusive relationship. And if there's one thing that spirits don't like, it's abusive relationships. So mine said this: "Fine. You want to stay in that hellhole? OK. Stay. But while you're staying you're gonna do something for ME."

"You see that pretty young thing over there? The one that's a little depressed, kind of like your wife. The one that's bright and pretty and sensitive, just like your wife? Yes, that's the one. Well, you've just got to have her. You can keep the witch if you insist. But you're going to have to go get someone else, too. Because we don't like it down here in the dark, and we need some love and caring. And since you don't seem to think you need to get this from your marriage, you're just gonna have to go get that pretty little thing." (I never got near her, by the way.)

Now, if you've never been there, and I had never been there like this before, when your subconscious tells you that have to do something, it doesn't play around. And mine went full power on me. These were the most powerful feelings I have ever experienced. And they were not chosen. They did not follow from thoughts or conscious desires. They came directly from my unconscious mind. And if you're curious about “Why her?” have a look at my words on imago. These feelings were so strong, they forced me to make changes. It was simply unbearable not to. 

And since at that time, I did not have the understanding I needed to give myself permission to end my marriage (see On Seeking Permission), I was forced to seek another resolution. That motivation was overwhelming. And what ended up on the block were my strictures about seeking support, having a relationship outside of marriage, and being what others expected of me.

And that was the end of givens number 3, 4, and 5. And when the whole mess was done (she of course is BP and split me into an ax murdering monster) numbers 1,2, and 6 had bitten the dust too.

As for what I take as givens now, that would take another whole  page, but I will say that children need, above all else, a safe, loving home and parent(s) who are as emotionally healthy as possible.

My life exploded, with help from my wife's alcoholism, NEC, depression, and cetera. But it was I who set the stage for such a fundamental change in my own values, by neglecting to care for myself when I clearly knew better.  I don't commend this to you, but this is how my sense of obligation and my belief system changed.

Are you in deprived relationship? Will it bite you, too?

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© 2004-6 Richard, 21CP and Dalkeith Press