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Reviewer: J. Paul Shirley, MSW - Co-Author:
Stop Walking on Eggshells
I highly recommend Richard's book, Tears and
Healing. His writing is clear, and although his words are written with
gentleness, he pulls absolutely no punches about dealing with the hard facts
about BPD and its effects on everyone. Some people say there is a reason for the
pain we go through having a partner with BPD, and in Richard's case I agree. He
has a gift for lending a helping hand for others trying to walk that painful
path. I don't generally get excited about new books on BPD, but Richard's left
me feeling good & that's a rare gift for a writer to have.
Reviewer: Sam Vaknin -
Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited
There are bookshelves upon
bookshelves of professional, scholarly, and utterly inaccessible literature
about abusive relationships. Those who need it the most - the traumatized
victims - are locked out by the jargon and the lack of practical advice.
Recently, survivors and victims have taken matters into their own hands and have
published their own books, replete with first hand experiences and tips. Tears
and Healing is a fine specimen of such writing: sensitive, attuned to the
emotional and pragmatic needs of the survivors, both deep and accessible, a
helpful guide to the traumatic aftermath of abuse.
Reviewer: Randi Kreger - Coauthor: Stop Walking on Eggshells and the
Stop Walking on Eggshells
Workbook; Owner: http://BPDCentral.com .
In Tears and Healing, Richard21CP takes us along on his personal journey from his “lightbulb experience” to making painful decisions about his marriage to a woman with borderline personality disorder. It takes courage for non-BP partners to understand and take responsibility for their own role in the “borderline dance,” and even more courage to write about it. Richard has done both.
Reviewer: Darla Boughton,
Manager of Narcissistic Personality
Disorder/Psychopath forums(4000+ members)
Tears and Healing is a must
read for anyone involved in a devastating relationship with a personality
disordered partner. It is a must-have, top-notch, first-aid kit to understanding
the emotional devastation such a relationship causes. The author reveals his
first-hand experience and knowledge. Let Richard's words reveal how to reclaim
your sanity in an insane interaction with a disordered partner.
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About the Author
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Richard, 21CP is a writer, inventor, engineer, and athlete. A survivor of a
marriage that turned abusive, he forged a path through confusion, love,
obligation, and emotional damage to safety and truer life. His experience and
insight, shared in Tears and Healing, originated in his contributions to online
support groups for people in relationships with a partner who has borderline
personality disorder. He has been a respected contributor and mentor in these
groups for the past four years. Not a mental health professional, his
perspectives and guidance "from the inside out" have been especially
relevant for people in abusive relationships.
Tears and Healing, The journey to the light after an abusive relationship is a
self-help guide that helps people in relationships with an abusive partner to
understand their situation, take greater self-care, and break free of the abuse.
A reflection of the author's own trail from confusion to freedom, it outlines
step-by-step the issues to be faced and teaches healthier ways to approach the
situation. The steps include: contacting reality; understanding the abusers
disease; dealing with love; finding yourself; dealing with obligation; healing
from abusive treatment; and choosing how to move on with life.
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Reviewer: Pamela, American Artist of Fine Art
I just started reading Richard's book, Tears
and Healing. It is excellent. Over the years I have been in and out of the
mental health offices of many professionals. I kept wanting to know how to get
beyond the hurt, the heart over-ruling my head...how to say enough is enough. As
I started reading the pages of this book...for the first time I felt a weight
being lifted off of me. Those mental health people hadn't lived with someone
with a personality disorder. They couldn't identify with me. So...here's to you
Richard. Your book is excellent and I recommend it to anyone who wants to get
off this merry-go-round and to start healing their wounds.
Reviewer: Lynn from Massachusetts
I wanted to let you know how much I have
appreciated your book, Tears and Healing. It is written with such insight,
reflection, and courage. Once I started reading it, I couldn't put it down- I
just received it Thursday afternoon, and was finished with it by Friday morning.
My close friend has been trying to "tough it out" with his BPD
(borderline personality disorder) wife until the kids are grown. Your book has
shed so much light on her condition, the way he has been treated, and the way he
has been coping. It also shows that there can be light at the end of the tunnel,
if he lets himself listen to his Soul's messages to him.
After reading your book, and seeing that you
were able to start a new life away from the stress and abuse of your marriage,
my heart feels lighter. My spirit knows what kind of positive intention to hold
for my friend- that he listen to his Soul's messages. Again, thank you for the
candor, wisdom, and openness of your beautiful and empowering book. I know that
many lives have been and are going to be touched, healed, and inspired because
I originally hesitated to buy your book,
because I thought it was geared to those ready to leave their borderline
(personality disorder) partner. I think I feared being influenced to leave when
I wasn't ready, a sure sign of my shaky boundaries. But I bought it, read it and
feel I have benefited tremendously. A wet noodle, such as I, needed to hear it
laid out plain: you're being abused and this is what happens to your psyche
while you're being abused!. As a result of reading your book, other boundaries
books, and my support group, that little washed out me is starting to stand up.
I am working toward becoming the person I want to be in OR out of this
relationship. There has been no miracle here, just a firmer awareness that I can
teach him how I want to be treated. If he can't accept the stronger me, then so
be it. At least I will know I have done everything I could to stay healthy while
staying with my borderline husband. Thank you for writing your book, Richard. It is empathic
I received your book on Friday. I began reading and
finished it Saturday. It was absolutely wonderful!
My husband and
I are both dedicated Christians. I have been abused for over 23 years of the
marriage but I was "committed" and "obligated" due to
religious reasons as you addressed. Finally, I heard on a Christian radio
station that if sex between a couple was not mutual then it wasn't right. I thought
I had been the "submissive" dutiful Christian wife, but I had not had
anyone to talk to and so did not know.
I began seeing a therapist who was great and validated my
feelings. She was a Christian, too. I found out that my husband had a
personality disorder. After gallons of tears over the years - like you, I tear
up over simple things, music, the National Anthem, tender things - I finally
became strong enough to see an attorney. I filed for divorce in May of this
year. I am now seeing another therapist (a Christian, too) who is supportive as
I know it will take a lot of time to heal. I have begun,
but true healing will only begin when I can finally be totally away from him.
Thank you so much for your book. I have highlighted so many of the pages. And I
will be reading them over and over again.
Richard, Gratefully, I found your book using a search for Al-Anon. I have done
extensive forms of inner-work and am intimately familiar with 12-step recovery
programs. Yet, I have found myself experiencing feelings in my current, soon to
be past, relationship that I have not been able to understand or reference.The
excerpts from your book, unlike most, reached out and grabbed a part of my soul
that is searching for answers and understanding.The depth, as well as the
honesty, with which you address the issues and feelings of living in an abusive
relationship spoke to me in a way I haven't heard in a while.What I
appreciated the most is the level of responsibility you encourage your reader to
take in the journey of healing.Thank you for that.Amidst the anger and the
anxiety, I hear the calling to learn more and love myself on a much deeper level
than I have in the 13 years I have been on the path to wholeness.Thank you
for your resonating messages of truth and wisdom, support and care.
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Abuse is when someone else hurts us to serve
their own needs and uses the situation to lock us in and maintain control. Abuse
can be physical, emotional, verbal or sexual. My own experience was being
verbally and emotionally abused. I consider my experience to be particularly
brutal because my abuser sought not just control, but to emotionally destroy
But no matter the type or intensity of
experience, I believe anyone currently in or having escaped from an abusive
situation can benefit from my approaches. I worked hard to understand why I felt
trapped and how I could escape. I read and studied many books on psychology and
relationships. I pieced together the best ideas from these and added insight and
models of my own. I've shared my experience and approaches as a mentor in online
support communities since 2000. Hundreds of people in these groups have shared
with me how unique and helpful my insights are. And thousands more have read and
benefited from my online writings.
Getting yourself out of an abusive situation
and healing the damage it has done are not small tasks. It takes time and
energy. But you also need guidance in what to work on, because abusive partners
deliberately distort our reality to serve their sick needs. This book, combined
with continued dialog in support communities, can provide that critical compass
to navigate the dark passages until the light breaks through.
I wish you good luck and Godspeed.
Richard, 21CP - Famous 21st Century Philosopher
|Subject Areas (Links to
In Depth Description Go to "Add to
you lost in a relationship and don’t know what is true/false, right/wrong?
Look inside for more in Chapter 2 on Getting Back in Touch
with what is Right/Wrong.
you sure your spouse is nuts, but can’t make any sense of what he does?
Look inside for more in Chapter 3 on How your partner's illness
spins you into it's orbit.
you longing to just be yourself, but you don’t even know who you are?
Look inside for more in Chapter 4 on Detaching from your Partner Finding Yourself.
you in love with someone who’s bad for you?
Look inside for more in Chapter 5 on Overcoming Love for
an Abusive Partner.
you stuck in a sick relationship because you think you have to stay?
Look inside for more in Chapter 6 on Feeling that You Have
you hurting from months or years of being verbally abused?
Look inside for more in Chapter 7 on how to Heal the Damage from Abuse.
Do you know you need to
change but just can't do it?
Look inside for more in Chapter 8 on how to Overcoming Fear and
you wondering how I know all this?
Look inside for more in Chapters 1 & 9 on My Troubled Relationship and
What Happened to Me, and then what came after.
you dream of a loving, sharing relationship? Do you want to get unstuck from
where you are and find someone who can really love you?
what Tears and Healing can give you.
Al-Anon: Al-Anon can be a great
resource, but sometimes its hard to figure out just what the heck Al-Anon is
trying to teach you. Al-Anon almost seems to center around the concept of detaching,
but just exactly what is detaching? Al-Anon mostly seems to teach how
others have chosen to stay with their troubled spouses, but how do you detach
and still have a marriage?
Look inside for more
Love: Love is like the great
whip-saw for many of us. We know our partner doesn't give us the love and
caring that we want. Often we realize that the person we are living with now
is not the same person we fell in love with. But our feelings of love are
powerful, no matter how bad it may be, we still feel like we love and need our
partner. Why? What is the difference between love and bring in-love? Why did
you choose him? Why do you long for her after all she's done to you? How can you find balance?
Look inside for more
Someone Bad for You
Resources: I offer some introduction to the resources that helped me most; including
The Road Less Traveled by M Scott Peck; Stop Walking on Eggshells by Mason and
Kreger; Al-Anon books; my whole recovery
library; and web links that have helped
Are you divorcing an abusive spouse? Did you
know the nastiest behavior may be narcissistic?
Strategies and Realities when Divorcing a Narcissist
Personal Consultation with the Author,
Tap his knowledge and
experience to help understand your situation and choices.
Why do they do it?
Meaning from Madness
Understanding the Hidden Patterns that Motivate Abusers:
Borderlines, Narcissists, and Sociopaths
Also by Richard:
Here for More Details
His 4 books on Relationships w/ an Abusive Partner
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